Yes, Virginia
by fulofhyperness
Summary: "Yes Virginia, now Santa's doing time, in a federal prision, for his infamous crime"
1. Chapter 1

**I was listening to a song by Weird Al, when the idea for a story struck me! This is the result...**

**I know it is short, but this is just the begining!**

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"Oh my God! I will be glad when break time rolls around!" exclaimed Joe. Joe is an elf. No, not one of those you find in a tree baking cookies, nor one of the those that makes shoes in the dark. Joe was one of the elite, one of Santa's elves!

"Joe, calm down. Your shift only started an hour ago!" replied Sam. Sam is also an elf. Together they work on the assembly line up at the North Pole.

"But I'm so tired! I almost didn't even come in today…" whined Joe.

"Joe don't you dare! It's only 23 days to Christmas and we are very behind on our toy making!" said Sam.

"Oh Sam don't you start with me!"

Just then the whistle blew signaling lunch. ("finally!" yelled Joe) They sat down and had lunch together totally forgetting the previous outbursts.

About an hour later, lunch ended and all the elves went back to work. The two buddies jumped back into their spots testing the arms of dolls. Joe wearing a green outfit, Sam wearing red. In fact, all the elves wore either green or red - in an alternating fashion. (It was Mrs. Claus's idea…)

"So Sam, are you going to the Christmas party this year?"

"Oh, I don't know…it was so lame last year!"

"Yeah, but I hear they got a really cool band to play!"

"Oh really? Did you hear wh—"

Suddenly, a very heavy set man wearing a bright red suit, complete with black boots and a red hat, burst into the workshop! He smelled slightly of booze and was holding a rifle with a shit load of ammo.

With a smile and a slight glint in his eye, the man said, "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"

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**This is my first story, so be gentle!**

**Please Review!**

**~fulofhyperness 3 you**

**Oh, and for those of you not familier with Weird Al, the song is "The Night Santa Went Crazy"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, I am such a slow updater...but it was really hard to come up with a way to keep this story lighthearted while going into all the destruction! (and no, I don't think I sufficiently did that :P)**

**Anyway, for anyone actually reading this story, enjoy Chapter 2!**

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All the elves just stared at the man as he stood in the doorway. "Is this a joke?" asked someone.

"Ho Ho Ho…no this is not a joke!" chucked Santa. Suddenly he pulled a grenade and pulled the pin while tossing it into the workshop's core.

"shit…..DUCK JOE!" screamed Sam as he dropped to the ground and hid under the table, urging his friend to do the same. Joe made it under just in time for them to both watch as the workshop was blown to bits.

Santa went around, gathering all the surviving elves and tying them up. He knew they would make good hostages once the police came around! He then dropped the rifle in favor of an old German Luger and ran out into the reindeer barn. First he tossed in another grenade, then took out Dancer and Prancer with the antique gun. Grabbing a knife, he took down Dasher. Then, he grabbed a flamethrower and barbequed Blitzen. Taking a big bite out of the beloved reindeer's back he said, "Mmmm! Tastes just like chicken!"

Back in the charred remains of the workshop, Joe and Sam were trying to figure out an escape plan!

"Maybe if we cut the ropes with our excessively pointy shoes?" asked Joe. As you can tell, they were getting nowhere fast.

As they sat there brainstorming, Santa came back, Rudolf under his arm (dead of course). He completely ignored the elves and went straight to the kitchen. A few hours later he came back, "Reindeer sausage anyone?"

"Ah, no thanks…." replied one brave elf.

"Good! Because I wasn't going to give you any!" Santa yelled as he shot that poor soul.

"Well, Sam, I think we're screwed…Do you think Santa will leave again?" asked Joe.

"Who knows! It doesn't matter anymore, it's not like we can come up with any good escape plans anyway!" answered Sam hopelessly.

"Yeah, that' true…Hey! Maybe someone will rescue us!" said Joe.

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**Well, I hoped that was fun! There will be more chapters to come, so in the meantime: PLEASE REVIEW! ^^**

**fulofhyperness 3 you all**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, now I think I've got an idea of how this should go! I'm sitting down now to write it all out (that way I can't forget later ^^)**

**I think I may have lost some of the lightheartedness and jokes, but it's getting done, and I don't want to say I abandoned my first story! - I absolutely hate it when authors do that...**

**Enjoy! ^^**

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Santa was sitting around with his reindeer sausage and rifle, just giggling to himself and watching the elves. _Man_, Santa thought,_ this is getting really boring!_

"Hey Joe," whispered Sam, "do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" replied Joe in an equally hushed tone.

"I think it's a helicopter!"

"No way, really? You know what that means right?"

"…."

"RESCUE!" Joe screamed making Santa jump to his feet with his rifle.

"Nice going idiot, now Santa knows about it too!" said Sam. "If my hands weren't tied, I would slap you!"

"Oops…" replied Joe.

"grrr…"

The helicopter noise started getting louder and louder until finally they could see the search lights! Sirens of police cars soon sounded as the F.B.I and the National Guard showed up.

"Mr. Claus, we have your wife here. She would like to speak to you!" said an agent over a loudspeaker. A shot from a rifle was the only response they got.

"Dear, you need to stop this now! Why are you even doing this? What happened to the jolly man I married?" Mrs. Claus announced on the speaker.

"Why? WHY?" screamed Santa. "I'll tell you why! Every year I go around and deliver presents to *hic* stupid kids all around the world! I'm expected to do it in one night! And what do I get in return? FUCKING *hic* COOKIES! I don't know about you, but I think that's a raw deal!" Santa was swinging his whiskey bottle around and attempting to cock his gun.

"Now, Mr. Claus, don't do anything rash. We understand your plight. We will get you something more for compensation." the agent offered.

"Compensation? I don' need your stinkin' compensation! *hic* I just want your lives!" Suddenly very sober, Santa raised the rifle and started shooting into the crowd of agents and news crew members!

Panic arouse as the people scrambled behind blast shields and hid behind cars. Santa kept shooting and it seemed like no one would be able to stop him!

Then, out of the blue, it stopped! A sniper from the helicopter had hit Santa in the leg, and drunk as he was, Santa could not steady himself enough to shoot from the ground.

Taking advantage of Santa's confusion, the agents rushed forward and subdued him to take him into custody. Then they released the elves and surviving reindeer and brought in medical help.

"See," said Joe, "I knew help would come!"

"Joe, sometimes I really just want you to shut up…" replied a reasonably grumpy Sam.

"Aw, Sam, don't get all depressed on me!"

"We were supposed to be there elite! We were Santa's elves! Now where will we go? I'm not going back to that stupid tree!"

"I'm sure we'll find something! Just keep a positive attitude!"

"How the hell do you still have a positive attitude?"

"We're alive right?"

"huh, yeah, I guess so!" Sam said as he smiled to himself.

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**End of chapter three...I think there will be one more chapter!**

**PLEASE REVIEW! it is my first story and anything is welcomed! (Flames will be used to light my fireplace and warm my toes!)**

**~fulofhypernes loves you all!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Enjoy! ^^**

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So, to answer that little girl's question: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus…he just happens to be in a federal prison right now! However, he will be out on good behavior in a mere 700 years!

Nowadays Vixen is in therapy. Donner is overly paranoid. Mrs. Claus, well her phone doesn't stop ringing! Every director in Hollywood wants to make a movie out of the infamous events that occurred in the North Pole.

Lastly, our little friends Sam and Joe:

"Oh my God! I will be glad when break time rolls around!" exclaimed Joe. Joe is an elf. No, not one of those you find in a tree baking cookies, nor one of the those that makes shoes in the dark. Joe used to be one of the elite, one of Santa's elves!

"Joe, calm down. Your shift only started an hour ago!" replied Sam. Sam is also an elf. Together they work on the assembly line up at the post office, sorting mail.

"But I'm so tired! I almost didn't even come in today…" whined Joe.

"Joe don't you dare! It's only 23 days to Christmas and you know this is our busiest season!" said Sam.

"Oh Sam, don't you start with me!"

Just then the whistle blew signaling lunch. ("finally!" yells Joe) They sat down and had lunch together totally forgetting the previous outbursts.

About an hour later, lunch ends, and the two go back to work.

"So Sam, are you going to the Christmas party this year?"

"Oh, I don't know…it was so lame last year!"

"Yeah, but I hear they got a really cool band to play!"

"Oh really? Did you hear wh—"

Suddenly, a tiny man with a postal worker's uniform, complete with mail bag and cap barges into the room! He smelled slightly of booze and was holding a rifle with a shitload of ammo!

With a smile and a slight glint in his eye, the man says, "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"

"OH SHIT!" screamed Sam.

"Not again!" replied Joe.

THE END

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**I DID IT! I FINISHED A STORY!**

**It feels so good to be done!**

**Ok, I know the whole thing was short, but it suffices for a first story!**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**~fulofhypernes loves you!**


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